The Heart of God

My Dear Friends,

I was eating breakfast Sunday morning and listening to Klove radio. The news came on and the announcer said that particular Sunday had been set aside as a day of prayer for the persecuted church around the world.

He mentioned the Middle East as well as the Far East. He stated that Anti-Christian and Anti-Jewish propaganda was coming out of Islamic countries. He also said that pastors and church leaders in China were being imprisoned for their faith. I listened and thought, "Well, God will take care of them." I had an attitude of "So? What else is new?"

The radio went back to music and I finished my breakfast. About that time one of my favorite songs came on - "He Reigns" by the Newsboys. I stood in the kitchen with my eyes closed and my hands raised. As I swayed to the music, I began to cry.

Now crying while I worship is not unusual for me. But what happened next was. As I got my hanky out of my purse, I heard the Lord say "Get on your knees." I hesitated, so he repeated himself. "Get on your knees."

So with the help of a kitchen chair (I’m really out of shape) I went down on my knees. My crying turned to sobbing. All this time the Newsboys are still playing.

Then I heard the Lord say, "Lie prostrate." And, yes, he had to repeat himself. "Lie prostrate." As I obeyed, my sobbing increased. I felt my heart was breaking. I had no idea what was happening.

As the song ended, I heard the Lord say, "you can get up now." So I leaned up on my elbows, blew my nose and wiped my eyes. I stayed on the floor for a few minutes thinking about what had just happened.

I also felt a prompting, so I began praying for the persecuted church. For strength, courage, hope and joy. When I finished praying I got up and dusted myself off. I went to brush my teeth and finish getting ready for work.

While I was putting on my makeup I was still thinking about what had just happened. So I asked the Lord, "What was that about?"

Soon after the thought came to me, "Thats how I feel. Thats how much it hurts me that my church is persecuted. Thats how much I love them." (I also felt a gentle rebuke for my "so what" attitude.)

It was an amazing revelation to me. All my life, I’d lived with a God without emotions. A God who didn’t understand me or how I felt. A God who was more concerned with my behavior than with me.

The idea of God lying prostrate sobbing because his children are suffering is completely new to me. Its not that God is powerless to stop their suffering. But they are his precious children. They are hurting and that hurts him.

I am still coming to terms with this new reality. So it may be a while before I can fully grasp the concept that if God weeps when his children suffer, then he weeps for me when I suffer. I’m not sure how to react to that. As I said, this is new so it may take some time to process.

Thanks for listening,

Sarah

Little Girl Pain

My Dear Friends,

I shared some time ago that I was reading Dr. Phil’s book, "Self Matters." Well, the truth is I haven’t touched that book in months. I got stuck at the part where I had to go back in time and remember significant moments.

I couldn’t figure out why I was stuck. I knew there were no monsters in my past. I knew there was nothing to be afraid of. So I decided that it must be the 40 plus years of memories to sift through. Looking at that task was exhausting so I dropped it.

Thankfully God didn’t drop me. Through a series of unrelated events that really irritated me, God was able to peel back the layers of denial and self preservation to expose the truth.

There was something in my past that I didn’t want to look at. Something I didn’t want to deal with. I had been circling around it, examining it, rationalizing it, but never feeling it.

My problem is that I am "invisible." My parents may have loved me but they never "saw" me. You see, they themselves were "invisible." It is very hard to "see" others when no one "sees" you.

Part of my dilemma was a question I didn’t know how to answer. How do you hold someone responsible for hurting you when you know they didn’t hurt you on purpose? How could I hold my parents accountable for being "bad" parents when I know that my grandparents were also "bad" parents?

I’ve been emotionally detached for a long time, not wanting to blame my parents for my problems. My problems are my problems. Because I could explain my parents’ poor parenting skills, I didn’t think it was fair to be mad at them for hurting me. I was more invested in taking care of their feelings than I was my own.

This is not something I’ve already gone through. This is something I am in the middle of dealing with right now. I dearly love my parents and I truly understand and sympathize with the reasons for their dysfunction.

Never the less, I have chosen to finally hold them accountable for my pain. I have asked God to give validity to my feelings, to give me a healthy, non - destructive anger over this loss. I want to be able to grieve and then to heal. I want to finally be able to "grow up."

There’s a Country Western song that was popular a few years back. I don’t remember the name of the song or the artist. But it talked about a little girl hiding behind a couch one night while her parents were killing each other. Later her foster parents took her to Sunday School and the teacher was talking about Jesus. The little girl, who’d never been to church or heard of Jesus before, said, "I know him. He came and held me behind the couch that night."

Although my parents would never dream of killing each other, I have been "hiding behind the couch" my whole life. I was waiting to see if they would "miss" me and come "looking" for me. But they never came.

And the message the "little girl" in me got from my parents was that I wasn’t important enough to "miss" or to "look" for. The only one who came looking for me was Jesus. He’s been behind the couch with me the whole time.

Does this sound familiar to you? Are you "invisible?" Do you rationalize your pain? Are you hesitant or even afraid to be angry with your parents for the pain they caused you?

I believe that God has great things in store for me - and for you. But you and I need to go back to the source of our pain and be honest with ourselves. We need to allow ourselves to feel the pain.

If you are also hiding, I want you to know that someone should have "missed" you. They should have come "looking" for you. You and I deserve to be "seen."

The good news is that Jesus "sees" you. Jesus "missed" you and came "looking" for you. Wherever you are hiding, he is with you right now. He sees the pain the you are afraid to acknowledge.

As for me..........well, like I said, I’m right in the middle of this. I don’t have all the answers, but I have Jesus. In the last part of Joshua 1:5, he promised, "...I will not fail you or abandon you."

So I hold on to Jesus and believe that my future is bright. I know he loves me. He found me when no one else knew I was missing.

Thanks for listening,

Sarah

The Delusional, Dysfunctional and Disobedient

My Dear Friends,

It has been my experience that as imperfect human beings, we all, at some point in our lives, fit into one or all of these categories. Even born-again Christians fall victim to these ways of thinking. Some poor souls live their entire lives there.

In my own life, I have struggled with all three; disobedience was easy to recognize while dysfunction was much harder to see. But the most difficult one for me to admit was being delusional.

You may wonder how a Christian who has known the Lord for over thirty years could become delusional. Well it happened to me and I thought I knew better. I thought I had a pretty good handle on reality.

But there were things the Lord needed to show me and it took four years of delusion for me to get the message.

The delusion began when I fell in love with a man I worked with. I’ll call him "Jackson." The feelings hit me like a ton of bricks almost from the day I met him. I spent months arguing with myself that it didn’t make sense - that I didn’t know Jackson well enough to love him. But eventually my feelings won.

Jackson was always kind to me. He would always talk and joke with me at work, but he never asked me out. Because of my feelings, I gave him all kinds of excuses; he’s shy, he’s been hurt, he needs to get to know me.

But the idea that Jackson wasn’t interested didn’t occur to me. He started dating someone else and I was hurt. When they broke up, I was hopeful again. I even went to Jackson and told him of my feelings. He was kind and told me his feelings were that of friendship.

But, being in denial, I continued giving him excuses. Then the delusion got worse. I was listening to a radio program and a man named Jackson called in. He wanted to dedicate a song to his friend, Sarah, whom he had known for four years. He wanted her to know just how special she was to him and that he wanted to be more than friends.

Now, I knew it wasn’t my Jackson, but because the names were the same, I saw a sign from God where there was none. I thought that God was telling me that it would take four years for Him to put Jackson and me together. I decided not to tell anyone because it seemed so far fetched. You’d think that would have been a clue.

Well, as you might have guessed, over the next three years nothing happened. Jackson would talk to me at work but never asked me out. But I went on believing. I also began to read meaning into things that really had no significance. It seemed that God was confirming my belief.

Then Jackson got another job and I only saw him once in awhile. I continued in my delusion, continued believing and continued giving him excuses. Then I heard through the grapevine that Jackson had gotten the job he really wanted and I never saw him again. He may as well have dropped off the planet.

At that time I told the Lord that I was done believing. Since nothing had happened I must have been wrong. But the lesson wasn’t over yet. About that time, during my regular Bible reading, the Lord gave me a scripture that renewed my hope.

The scripture He gave me was Luke 13:6 - 9 "Then Jesus used this illustration: A man planted a fig tree in his garden and came again and again to see if there was any fruit on it, but he was always disappointed.

"Finally, he said to his gardener, ‘I’ve waited three years, and there hasn’t been a single fig! Cut it down. It’s taking up space we can use for something else.’

"The gardener answered, ‘Give it one more chance. Leave it another year, and I’ll give it special attention and plenty of fertilizer. If we get figs next year, fine. If not, you can cut it down.’"

So I agreed to give God one more year but after that I was pulling out the "fig tree."

Life continued as before. I never saw Jackson but believed that we would be together. I heard through the grapevine that he was living with a woman but I refused to believe it.

After six months, I told God that I was tired of believing and wanted to pull the "fig tree" out early. But God reminded me that I had promised Him a year. So I repented and went on believing.

Now, a funny thing had been happening to me that I hadn’t noticed. Near the end of the fourth year, I found that I didn’t miss Jackson. I even began to question my feelings for him. He wasn’t anywhere in my life and yet my life was just fine. I discovered that I had stopped giving him excuses.

I went on believing because of the promise I had made to God, not because of Jackson. But I was anxious for that last year to be up so I could be done with it.

Well, the fourth year ended and as I kind of expected, nothing happened. I wondered why God had given me that verse and told me to hang on one more year. If He wasn’t going to put us together, what was the reason?

Another year went by before it dawned on me. God wanted me to finish out the full four years of believing so I could put it behind me. If I had given up my belief after just three years, I might have regretted it later. I might have said, "If only I had held on for one more year, Jackson and I would be together now."

God was very gentle as He revealed my delusion to me. I had believed a lie, but it was ok. God wasn’t mad at me. He knew my heart and my mind. He knew my belief was sincere and He knew that I trusted Him. So He lovingly led me to the truth.

Jesus said in John 8:32, " And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

If you are wondering about some of your beliefs, the first source of confirmation is the Bible. Can you back up what you believe with scripture left in context? If not, then seek out a trusted Christian friend and share your belief with them and have them pray with you. Sometimes exposing a delusional belief to "the light of day" is all it takes for our eyes to be opened.

Please don’t be afraid to share your belief. If you are sincere in your quest for truth, God will reveal the truth to you. He will either confirm your belief or very gently reveal the lie.

If you, like me, have been delusional, remember God is not mad at you. He loves you. He knows we live in a fallen world. He knows that we don’t always see the lie. Sometimes we don’t want to see the truth because reality seems so harsh.

But if you are willing to trust God implicitly, He will gently, lovingly lead you where you need to be.

Thanks for listening,

Sarah

Asking Permission

My Dear Friends,

I have recently uncovered something about myself. I ask permission all the time, about everything.

When I was a child, that was a good thing. "May I have a cookie?" or "May I go to my friend’s house to play?" Even as an adult there are times when its a good idea. "May I borrow your lawn mower?" or "May I borrow that book?"

There is an appropriate time to ask permission. But there are times when it doesn’t make sense.

When someone would ask me a question I wouldn’t give a direct answer. I would first give all the background reasons for my answer. I wanted them to understand my answer and approve of me.

I would also tell everyone I knew all the details of my life and get their opinion. If most people thought I was making good decisions then I felt good. But too much criticism made me very unsure of myself.

Somewhere along the line I was taught to always ask permission. I was not encouraged or empowered to think for myself. So I have always been looking for an authority figure to tell me what to do and how to live my life.

My decisions as an adult are tentative. There is a part of me that wants to be sure that my decisions are ok with everybody. It has only been recently that I realized I don’t need anyone’s approval to simply live my life.

Where and when I was taught to ask permission is a little hard to pin down. I have a fairly good idea why I was taught this, but it involves a very touchy subject - male chauvinism.

The Farlex, free online dictionary defines male chauvinism as: "Activity indicative of belief in the superiority of men over women."

The Encarta online encyclopedia defines it this way: "Belief in the innate superiority of men justifying denial of equal treatment to women."

However you describe it, this way of thinking is woven into the very fabric of almost every society on the planet.

It is so subconscious that it never occurred to any of the authority figures in my life - parents, preachers, teachers - that I, as a girl, needed to be encouraged and empowered to think for myself and make my own decisions.

It was never an overt attitude. No one ever said to me that boys were better than girls. But in the 50’s and 60’s girls were usually taught to be good and loving wives and mothers.

That said, male chauvinism is only one piece of the puzzle. There are other factors that influence the way I do things. My parents, preachers and teachers most likely had challenges of their own. They may not have been able to look beyond themselves in order to empower someone else.

So I’ve begun the process of letting go of the past and retraining myself to only ask permission when appropriate. I don’t need to tell everyone everything. I don’t need to explain myself to everybody.

I am a rational adult and I make good decisions. I have the Holy Spirit to guide me. He is the only authority figure that I need to consult about how I live my life.

I stand on the promise of 2 Corinthians 5:17. "What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!"

Thanks for listening,

Sarah

The Search For Sarah

My Dear Friends,

Through a series of small, unrelated events, the Lord led me to purchase the book, "Self Matters," by Dr. Phil McGraw. This book talks about finding your authentic self, the one you were created to be.

Reading through the first three chapters, there is a growing awareness that I am not in touch with my real self.

Who I really am is something God wants me to discover. It is a little frightening, though, because this is serious, this is real. I have avoided myself for so long that I don't know what I'll find.

But God has promised to go with me. He gave me Isaiah 41:10 as assurance. "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."

I'm not afraid to share my failures with you because you may be able to relate. Not knowing who I am has contributed to many negative things in my life - being overweight, being married and divorced three times, working at a job that gives no joy.

I have listened to family, friends, the TV and even the Enemy tell me who I am. What I want to know is who does God say I am? Not all Christians in general, just me specifically.

I know that God has a wonderful purpose and plan for me. One of my favorite verses, Jeremiah 29:11, says, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

But I wonder, if I don't know who I am, can God still reveal His plan to me? The answer must be "yes" because part of His plan is to help me find my true self.

If any of this sounds familiar or if you wonder who God created you to be, I recommend getting a copy of Dr. Phil's book, "Self Matters." At the very least you will confirm that you know who you are. Or you may discover a "you" that you didn't know existed. This book can only help you.

Another book I highly recommend is the Bible, New Living Translation, by Tyndale House. I've read and used other versions but the NLT is my favorite.

The only other thing I would recommend is quieting your heart and mind and listening for that still, small voice. Hear God whisper how tenderly He loves you, how precious you are to Him and how glad He is that you exist.

Thanks for listening,

Sarah

In Memorium: Scott Beachy

My Dear Friends,

It is with great sadness that I tell you about a death "in the family." My young friend, Scott Beachy finally lost his battle with cancer. It is with great joy, however, that I can say with certainty, Scott went home to be with the Lord.



His family and many friends feel the loss deeply, even as we claim the promise that we'll see him again in Heaven.

Scott struggled with Hodgkin’s disease for the past six years. He never gave up. He tried Chemotherapy and a Stem Cell Transplant, as well as Herbal remedies.

Because Scott had beaten the disease three times before, many of us assumed he would get better. We never seriously considered the possibility of his death, so it came unexpectedly to us. Most of us are frustrated we didn’t get to say "goodbye." So many possibilities now frozen in time. So many intentions unfulfilled. There is a feeling of things left undone and words left unsaid.

Scott's death has left an empty place in a lot of lives, a place where only memories can dwell. The strongest memory for me is of his smile. It was infectious!

Psalm 139:16 says, "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

His death took many of us by surprise, but God always knew when he would bring Scott home.

Why did God allow Scott to have cancer and die? I don’t know. With time we may see the purpose of his short life. Or we may have to wait for heaven to understand.

Scott Beachy was only 24 when he died on May 12, 2005. He left behind a mother, father and grandmother, a sister and brother-in-law, a niece and nephew, and numerous other relatives and friends. We loved him and we celebrate his life. Scotty, you will be missed for a long time.

Thanks for listening,

Sarah

P.S. Scott left behind some unpaid medical bills that his parents are paying. For those of you who knew Scott, if you feel compelled to help, you can contact me by email at "ForScott@SarahLaughs.com" (address is good thru June 30) and I'll put you in touch with the family. (As I'm sure you understand, the family's privacy would be compromised by putting their information on the internet.)

Peace and Protection

My Dear Friends,

There was a time in my early life as a Christian that I was fearful of many things. Mostly I think it was the fear of not getting what I wanted. I can’t say that I was afraid of death because I knew that I would go to heaven. But there were other fears. The fear of rape, of robbery, of a fire, of a car accident and I lived with those fears a long time.

I have had "bad" things happen to me (I’ve been in a car accident). Some I brought on myself, some were brought by others. Looking back, I see now that all were known to God ahead of time and I had nothing to fear.

It’s only been in recent years I have come to the realization that fear is a choice. The Bible says if we belong to God, He has promised to protect us. Psalm 91:14-16 says, "The Lord says, ‘I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them. I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation.’"

If we put our faith in Jesus Christ the host of heaven encamps around us. Psalm 91:11-12 says, "For he orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone."

The reality of God’s protection was brought home to me one summer while I was still living in Arizona. I believe that God prevented me and my family from being in a terrible traffic accident.

My parents, my children and I took our yearly trip to San Diego. We always went in August before school started. We left early Friday morning to get across the desert and into the mountains before things heated up. As my dad drove, my mom and I prayed for journey’s mercies.

Needless to say, we had a wonderful time. We played on the beach, drove over the Coronado bridge, roamed through Sea Port Village - all the things you do on vacation. Everything was going more or less according to plan, until Sunday morning.

For some reason it took us longer to pack than usual. But we finally left the hotel in Chula Vista, and headed out to Point Loma and the Cabrillo National Monument. While wandering through the park, my dad discovered that he had neglected to turn in the room key.

So when we finished climbing the lighthouse, we went back to Chula Vista and the hotel. After stopping at a supermarket, we headed for Mission Bay Park and lunch. We relaxed, ate, fed the sea gulls, and played in the water. I don’t remember where we went from there. But I do remember that we were delayed all day.

We finally left San Diego around 7 or 8 and headed into the mountains. It was a beautiful evening and there was little traffic. Eventually we passed the Indian watch tower and began the descent into the desert. This particular part of the freeway has a steep grade and the state had built a "run away truck" ramp at the bottom. At the end of the ramp is a huge pile of sand.

By now the children had fallen asleep and my folks and I were still puzzling about all the delays. But we had all had such a good time that we really didn’t mind.

About this time we reached the bottom of the steep grade and came upon the "run away truck" ramp. There at the end, sitting atop the pile of sand was a semi tractor and trailer rig with the wheels hanging over the front of the sand.

Our first thought was "wow! We’d never seen that before. He must have been going pretty fast to land on top of the sand."

Our second thought was the realization that if we had left San Diego earlier, as we had planned, we might have been in front of that truck. We might have been pushed off the road into a ravine. There is really no way to know for sure.

But we were convinced that God had brought about our delays and kept us out of the path of that truck. I have to say that my idea of God got a whole lot bigger.

There is freedom in the knowledge that God knows everything and is never surprised by anything. There is a passage that speaks of the foreknowledge and sovereignty of God. In Isaiah 46:10 the Bible says, "Only I can tell you what is going to happen even before it happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish."

There is comfort in knowing that God is completely in charge. Isaiah 43:13 states, "From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can oppose what I do. No one can reverse my actions."

So, it is possible to live without fear. Paul tells us how in Philippians 4:6-7, "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand, His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Thanks for listening,

Sarah